So often, people complain about perpetual dating problems. They discuss all the times they go out “with the wrong guy (or girl)”. They talk about all the things they thought they saw in that person, or recall “feeling so comfortable” with them. Yes, there is something to be said about feeling comfortable with someone early in the dating relationship, but more often I have seen the benefit of “being the person you want to meet”. This means if you want someone “outdoorsy”, “successful”, “emotionally stable” or “family oriented”, you will be living your life in that way as well! When you participate in your life the way you want a potential mate to, then you will more likely meet someone with those qualities.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Do not focus your intentions on what you no longer want in your relationship. Focus on what you want! When all your thoughts and actions are focused on what you want, you will find that you don’t have to think about what you don’t want, because it will no longer feel comfortable.
For instance , let’s say you’re a woman who keeps dating men with “great potential” but at the time you meet them, they are struggling to hold a job. You reflect back to yourself after dating him for 6 months, how you can’t believe you’ve gotten involved with yet another man who needs you to prop him up emotionally or financially in life. You feel frustrated – as if these types of men are your destiny. On the other hand, maybe you’re a guy who keeps dating women with a lot of drama in their lives. You think to yourself,”How did I find myself int his situation again? Every time I call her, there is more drama going on! I totally didn’t want to date drama queens anymore!” Both of you have probably said to yourselves, “What’s wrong with me that I keep attracting exactly the people I don’t want?!”
If you’ve been struggling in this area, I have a 30 day intention exercise for you:
Just for 30 days focus your intentions on what qualities you want in a partner – then….each morning take a 5 minute meditation on telling yourself that you are living your life with those qualities. You essentially will be “acting as if’ you are the partner you want. It will sound something like this: “I am a confident, active, funny, family-oriented person”. (you will, of course insert whatever qualities you want). As you adopt your mindset of focusing on what you want, when you run into someone who raises your red flags, it will no longer feel tolerable and you will find it much easier to say, “You know, I’m sure you have some really good qualities, but I just don’t think we’re going to be a great match, good luck to you”.
Colleen Mullen, Psy.D., LMFT